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The First Amalgamated Church (FAC) was established by no divine authority on no one in particular. The Biblical basis for this Church is never to be found, nor is it ever to be found in any other religious text.
In truth, the FAC’s origin can be traced to June 6, 2066 AD. It came out of the merger of the Islam-Christian Report, in which Italo-Roman Presbylutheranism and Caribbean Sunnism merged with the Judeo-Panglican Church. The newly democratically elected Rabbi-Father Changstein el-Gammal reformed the Church into the Pre-Amalgamated Society (PAS) through his thesis “Saturdays with Eddie: A Journey in Radical Ecumenical Syncretism”.
Approximately 17 hours later, the PAS experienced its first splinter, reconciliation, second splinter and an event known as the Subdued Re-Formation (which incidentally was brought about over a theological dispute over the purported existence of an Aryan Jesus and a Latvian Buddha). The PAS continued for three days consisting of 14 members under the leadership of Rabbi-Father el -Gammal before a third split occurred, result in the Eighth-Day Epithets (EDE). The EDE lasted a total of three minutes before being assimilated back into the PAS, which consequently conducted a Mental Crusade against the second group, which had come to call itself the Syncretic Social Order of the Society of the Blue Word (SSOSBW). The exact theological beliefs of this movement is unknown, as Rabbi-Father el-Gammal quickly dealt with the SSOSBW by mental recognition (whatever that means).
Rabbi-Father el-Gammal rewrote his thesis a total of 95 times before reverting to his original draft but with the inclusion of not only all theological beliefs, but atheistic and agnostic beliefs as well. The result was reformation of the Pre-Amalgamated Society into the First Amalgamated Church.
The first Amalgamated Gathering was called by Rabbi-Pape Hadrian VII (later Bodhisattva Saint Lama Adrian I), in which the first draft of the “Syncretic Essay of 2066 AD” was drawn up, eventually becoming the “Highly Revered and Partially Sacred Scrapbook of Collected Thoughts” (also called the “Great Big Book of Everything”).
The First Amalgamated Church holds true to the existence (or not) of One or Many Gods (perhaps fewer or none at all), and liberally celebrates (or doesn’t, your choice) the worship of the Deity (or Deities) in whatever way you think (or don’t, no judging) They or He (or She or nothing at all) require (or not) you to worship. There is no doctrine, dogma, or creed put forth by the FAC; just assorted opinions and theories.
There is no such thing as a heretical belief or movement within the FAC, every belief is encouraged and nurtured and eventually integrated into the Religious Adherent Sector (RAS) of the FAC (as opposed to the Atheist, Agnostic, and Non-Religious Adherent Sector (AANRS) of the FAC, which integrates no religious belief but only those of science and fact). Despite the fact that all beliefs are considered equally valid, confrontation is common in the FAC, as to what qualifies as a valid belief within the FAC is put under extreme scrutiny. Any group that seeks to impose a concrete doctrine or creed is dealt with by the Druishian Inquisitive Committee(DIC), who often conduct Mental Crusades to keep the peace in FAC controlled territories.
Time-travel was discovered in 2331 A.D. by FAC scientists in their efforts to travel back to the Garden of Eden and prevent the Fall of Man. The hierarchs realized that this move would remove all power from the FAC, and attempted to destroy all research but succeeded in simply ripping open a tear in the fabric of Space-Time. The FAC then monopolized this 'success of science' and constructed portals in which they could go back in time and evangelize to the past, establishing Amalgamation long before its actual inception in 2066 A.D. Because of this meddling, several branches in the Space-Time continuum were born, creating a pan-dimensional religious empire for the FAC. Several controversies have come about due to this; such as Dinosaur and Cro-Magnon clergy, and time-cloning, in which a past-self of a person is brought into the present from a pocket dimension. In truth, no one is quite sure the moral or scientific workings of such technology.
No one really cares.
The Supreme Jurisdictional Primate and Authoritative Consular, Praetorian Magistrate of the Time Branches, and Rabbi-Pape has full authority over all linear, nonlinear, cyclical, and time dilated Branches of the FAC. He delegates authority to Archierarchs who preside in those time lines; such as the Guru-Imam of the Cyclical Branches; the Mahasiddhas-Rabbi of the Nonlinear Branches; the Lama-Vicar of the Linear Branches; and the Ani-kutani-Guru-Pape of the Time-dilated Branches. A sort of collegiality is supposed to be practiced among the Archierarchs, but in reality the Rabbi-Pape more often than not takes a dictatorial approach to governance. It is not uncommon for a Rabbi-Pape to be assassinated when his approval rating falls below 23 percent.
Because of the Laws of Inclusiveness and Tolerance enforced by the Druishian Priesthood Board (DPB), there are several Order, Councils, Administration, Cults, Boards, and Committees associated with the FAC. Such prominent ones include the Red Elders of the Crimson Circle, a group of reclusive hierarchs who control the election of the Rabbi-Pape and reside in the Escher-like citadel in the Himalayan Mountains; the Druishian Priesthood Board, a powerful administration run by rabid clergymen/women in charge of upholding the Laws and suppressing orthodoxy through the Druishian Inquisitive Committee; the Rabbinical Suffrage, without approval from the Rabbi-Fathers nothing can be legally done; the Castrated Drones, a group of clergy who have been castrated themselves (or forcibly) to become the militant and liturgical assisstants of the FAC.
The FAC has successfully retconned and revised history to such a degree that the Congregation of the Order of the Sub-Curial District of Time Loops, Paradoxes, and Conundrums was formed by the initiative of Rabbi-Pape Bodhisattva Saint Lama Isaiah Francesco Asimoff IV to address issues created and instigated by misuses of time-travel and -warp technology. A successful pocket timeline was created by the Congregation priests to house an uncorrupted history for the FAC, and it is here where the Basilimosquagogue of St. Lama. Bod. Adrian I was constructed to house the Rabbi-Pape.
In coming posts, we shall talk more on selected portions of the FAC's history.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Lesbionic Agenda Against Marriage
I've been reflecting on marriage since the announcement of two of my close friends engagement...hmmm, yeah you get that. And don't worry, they are both God-fearing Christian-Republicans. Presbyterian to be precise, so they've got that whole Calvinism Predestination thing for them; which means that because of this we know for sure this engagement and marriage is supposed to happen. But I digress (whatever that means), and wish to talk about the sacred bondage that is marriage. Now, when people hear the word bondage they often get a whole BDSM image in their heads. Combine that with the word sacred and there is no telling what will pop into your head. I mean seriously, our minds have some weird thoughts.
But anyway, marriage.
Christian Marriage is a holy partnership instituted by Jesus. It is the only real kind of marriage. Jewish Marriage actually has some merit, since St. Joseph was Jewish and the Virgin Mary - while a Christian - entered into a Jewish Marriage with him. Meanwhile Jesus was born in Bethlehem, England and raised a Christian by the Virgin Mary. During his life he learned the Torah and all that stuff, and developed the institution we now call Marriage.
Marriage is when a woman is enslaved to a man (or 'bonded') for the rest of her life. Now women, being cunning and deceptive creatures, can occasionally cause men great periods of stress and grief while constantly trying to usurp his God-given authority as head of the family. Therefore, God created pregnancy. Pregnancy was created to keep women busy; distracting them with life growing inside them and the subsequent children as a result. This keeps women complacent and busy with the role of motherhood, while men are free to continue as heads of their household. This has been the make-up of marriage for thousands of years since the birth of Jesus.
However, that sacred bondage is now under attack from Radical Leftist Feminist Lesbians and queerosexuals. This group of people has threatened the very sanctity of marriage with alternative lifestyles and partnerships. The Lesbians and the queerosexual concept of marriage is degenerative, because who is bonded to who? Who is the head of the family? Which on gets pregnant (gay guys can get pregnant, right?) and assumes the bondage role?
We can, of course, blame Anglicans for this problem. Anglicans have always had a screwy view of marriage - look at the guy who founded their church: Henry VIII. The man had six wives and four mistresses over the course of his life. While admirable, this clearly contradicts Jesus' Christian Marriage. We can blame several men for the breakdown of Marriage in Western Society - all of them Anglicans. Thomas Cranmer, the first Protestant Archbishop of Canterbury, was the catalyst for all this. He broke his priestly vow of celibacy and married, and was later killed for it by Queen Mary I (or something along those lines). The next three men were Sir Winston Churchill, a committed Freemason, and his appointments to the Archbishop of Canterbury; William Temple and later Geoffrey Fisher. Both of this so called Christian leaders were Freemasons and liberal Englishmen with ties to the Chinese. Churchill was invested as the Church of England's so-called 'Shadow Pope' and pulled the strings at the Lambeth Conferences into to pave the way for homosexualist marriage. This was attempted to distract people from the War, but his plans came to fruition fifty years too late.
During those fifty years, homosexualist lesbians infiltrated the upper echelons of the Church of England in order to plant powerful lesbians as bishopresses. Barbara Harris became the first bishopress and 'Shadow Popess' of the C of E. Using a concentrated dose of rubella, Bishopress Harris killed the reigning Shadow Pope and installed herself as the shadowy ruler of the Anglicans. This powerful cartel of lesbians then began to rewrite the bylaws of Anglican Christian Marriage and pave the way for homosexualist marriage.
You see, Freemasons and queerosexuals are to blame for the crisis affecting the Christian world. Anglicans, too, have been the unwitting pawns in their games of sexual deviancy. I really can't remember the point of all this - I think my negative bias toward Anglicans is showing. The point of this is as such: Grammar is not important when trying to unveil evil plots against Jesus. In the battle against the Lesbian Bishopress Cartel, who really is going to correct their grammar? Certainly not your wives, because they will have all been recruited by the queerosexuals by enticing worlds such as 'equal rights', 'women power', and things like Black & Decker sex tools.
But anyway, marriage.
Christian Marriage is a holy partnership instituted by Jesus. It is the only real kind of marriage. Jewish Marriage actually has some merit, since St. Joseph was Jewish and the Virgin Mary - while a Christian - entered into a Jewish Marriage with him. Meanwhile Jesus was born in Bethlehem, England and raised a Christian by the Virgin Mary. During his life he learned the Torah and all that stuff, and developed the institution we now call Marriage.
Marriage is when a woman is enslaved to a man (or 'bonded') for the rest of her life. Now women, being cunning and deceptive creatures, can occasionally cause men great periods of stress and grief while constantly trying to usurp his God-given authority as head of the family. Therefore, God created pregnancy. Pregnancy was created to keep women busy; distracting them with life growing inside them and the subsequent children as a result. This keeps women complacent and busy with the role of motherhood, while men are free to continue as heads of their household. This has been the make-up of marriage for thousands of years since the birth of Jesus.
However, that sacred bondage is now under attack from Radical Leftist Feminist Lesbians and queerosexuals. This group of people has threatened the very sanctity of marriage with alternative lifestyles and partnerships. The Lesbians and the queerosexual concept of marriage is degenerative, because who is bonded to who? Who is the head of the family? Which on gets pregnant (gay guys can get pregnant, right?) and assumes the bondage role?
We can, of course, blame Anglicans for this problem. Anglicans have always had a screwy view of marriage - look at the guy who founded their church: Henry VIII. The man had six wives and four mistresses over the course of his life. While admirable, this clearly contradicts Jesus' Christian Marriage. We can blame several men for the breakdown of Marriage in Western Society - all of them Anglicans. Thomas Cranmer, the first Protestant Archbishop of Canterbury, was the catalyst for all this. He broke his priestly vow of celibacy and married, and was later killed for it by Queen Mary I (or something along those lines). The next three men were Sir Winston Churchill, a committed Freemason, and his appointments to the Archbishop of Canterbury; William Temple and later Geoffrey Fisher. Both of this so called Christian leaders were Freemasons and liberal Englishmen with ties to the Chinese. Churchill was invested as the Church of England's so-called 'Shadow Pope' and pulled the strings at the Lambeth Conferences into to pave the way for homosexualist marriage. This was attempted to distract people from the War, but his plans came to fruition fifty years too late.
During those fifty years, homosexualist lesbians infiltrated the upper echelons of the Church of England in order to plant powerful lesbians as bishopresses. Barbara Harris became the first bishopress and 'Shadow Popess' of the C of E. Using a concentrated dose of rubella, Bishopress Harris killed the reigning Shadow Pope and installed herself as the shadowy ruler of the Anglicans. This powerful cartel of lesbians then began to rewrite the bylaws of Anglican Christian Marriage and pave the way for homosexualist marriage.
You see, Freemasons and queerosexuals are to blame for the crisis affecting the Christian world. Anglicans, too, have been the unwitting pawns in their games of sexual deviancy. I really can't remember the point of all this - I think my negative bias toward Anglicans is showing. The point of this is as such: Grammar is not important when trying to unveil evil plots against Jesus. In the battle against the Lesbian Bishopress Cartel, who really is going to correct their grammar? Certainly not your wives, because they will have all been recruited by the queerosexuals by enticing worlds such as 'equal rights', 'women power', and things like Black & Decker sex tools.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Timezones, Sex, Zombies, and Ghandi
I cannot get the timezone right on this blog! It annoys me so much I shall write about it on the blog itself!
...I've never been good figuring out timezones. I think there are stupid and the time should be the same everywhere. No wait, I'm wrong. There should be two timezones: one for the God-fearing, red-blooded, conservative Republican Americans and one for the godless, liberal, communist Democrats.
Freemasons too.
And the Chinese.
Muslims don't believe in time, so I don't have to worry about them.
But the real Christian days (That is, the days God pays attention to) start when the sun first touches the soil of the good old United States of America. This timezone will be called 'Jesus Time' or 'Godzone' from now on. The godless heathen days don't count, so therefore that timezone shall be referred to as 'Bad Time' or 'Evilzone'.
To save people from this horrible timezone filled with debauchery, Americans must support the Government's plan to invade and Americanize every other country on the planet; thereby making them apart of the U.S. and bringing 'Godzone' to the other side of the world. But it works both ways: the godless, liberal, communist Democrats are trying to impose 'Evilzone' on America, and turn into a Neo-Babylon Oligarchy, in which the Chinese-Freemasons maskerade as Republicans while supporting things such as abortion, stem cell research, same-sex institutions, imigration, women's rights, interspecies marriage, burka-barreling (not sure what that is), Geo-Feminism, and sex.
That's right: sex. They want to support sex. We all know sex is evil and should be never spoken about in real life. That's why we have TV and the internet. We also know from post-apocalyptic movies that mutants go after fertile women to rape them and make more mutant babies. If this isn't an indication of sex evilness then I don't know what is. It's why I support the Sex Kills Bill, in which I hope will pass and force people to put spikes on those parts required for sex to discourage it. It's also why I support the right to bear arms, so that I can defend our fertile women from mutants. Sex isn't required and is unGodly...unless it's used to make more men, which is why God made woman anyway.
I read my Bible.
Which brings me to another point: Zombies. I'm against zombie-racism or anti-zombism. Zombies are not like the liberal, fertile women raping mutants. Zombies are staunch conservatives and supporters of the Republican Party and have been given a negative portrayal in the media. Zombies are often seen as 'evil' and lumbering idiots. In truth, zombies are amoral, mindless animated corpses with a strong ethnic identity and sense of purpose (i.e., the eating of brains). If anything could be said against them, it's that they aren't Christians. If they were Christians, then they wouldn't be zombies in the first place. Christians don't become zombies, it's in the Beatitudes or Ten Commandments, I think. I'm not sure what religion zombies are, but I have a strong leaning toward Buddhism. They've seem to got that whole Nirvana thing down.
But this all doesn't change the fact that anti-zombism is rampant in this country - this world. When people learn there is a zombie in the neighborhood, you can bet it won't be long before people are boarding up their windows and doors and stocking up on ammo. Don't get me wrong, I'm not against guns or ammo. I'm against racism. I doubt we'll ever see a zombie in the White House, due to this country's disgusting bias. God created everything people; even zombies. I don't know why He created them, but who am I to doubt the work of God? I'm not an evolutionist, I don't make claims that monkeys and humans are the same so that I can have sex with them. That's the Chinese-Freemasons at work, trying to pass that interspecies marriage bill.
I consider myself openminded. I believe that women have the same rights as any other second-class citizen, and I believe that gay people really think they are people. I am a good person, and I let everyone know it. I've been known to walk into the middle of intersections and yell prayers at people. Believe me, there are people who need prayers. I can't tell you how many times I've had people cuss at me, shoot me the bird, try and hit me with their cars. These people need some Jesus. One time a lovely group of people (I think they were a family) gathered around me with their children and prayed with me. I later left when they started waving signs that said "God hates Fags" and "Fags go to Hell" and "God hates America". I disagree with a number of those signs and slogans. First of all God founded American, so I know He doesn't hate American. Jesus is an American, so if God hates American then He hates Himself. This is simple theology here, people. I'm no St. Thomas Aquinas, but I can get that much.
Secondly, I don't know if God hates cigarettes. Nor (if I'm interpreting their sign right) do I know if people who smoke them go to Hell. I can't say who goes to Hell, and it is not my place to do so. I simply strongly reinforce such ideas. I think these people were sent by the Freemasons to discredit me.
Whatever happen to the 40s and 50s, when men were men, women were women, gay people didn't exist, father knew best, and children knew the best way to make a martini? Whatever happen to the America that exists some couple decades before I was born? Whatever happened to prayer in schools? I mean, real prayer - Christian prayer, not that other stuff. I know George Washington understood about prayer. I mean, when he was praying in to woods and Jesus appeared to him and gave him those Golden Tablets which held the instructions on building the great nation of the U.S., he understood that prayer was important. And later, when he was chopping down that cherry tree on Abraham Lincoln's property and got caught and lied to say he was using it to build the West Wing of the White House, and Jesus appeared to him to tell him he was wrong, and Washington fell to his knees in prayer - he knew the importance of prayer.
Damn greasy liberals. Caligula was a liberal, and look what happen to Rome! Fell into a pit of debauchery and sin. Caligula was in love with his sister! And his horse! And his sister's horse! Then they got that floating little fairy Nero, who just lost it all. See what the liberals do? You end up with people like Caligula, Nero, Lyndon B. Johnson, Paul McCartney, and Ghandi. Don't get me wrong, Ghandi had some great ideas, but he was a hippie liberal. And a Hindu. And as we know, that makes not Christian, so that invalidates his ideas. Plus he's in the 'Evilzone', so that just furthers this whole ordeal.
The point is, the world wouldn't have half its problems if it wasn't for timezones.
(I make no apology for the above stupidity. Unless I offended someone, then I apologize that they don't have a sense of humour.)
...I've never been good figuring out timezones. I think there are stupid and the time should be the same everywhere. No wait, I'm wrong. There should be two timezones: one for the God-fearing, red-blooded, conservative Republican Americans and one for the godless, liberal, communist Democrats.
Freemasons too.
And the Chinese.
Muslims don't believe in time, so I don't have to worry about them.
But the real Christian days (That is, the days God pays attention to) start when the sun first touches the soil of the good old United States of America. This timezone will be called 'Jesus Time' or 'Godzone' from now on. The godless heathen days don't count, so therefore that timezone shall be referred to as 'Bad Time' or 'Evilzone'.
To save people from this horrible timezone filled with debauchery, Americans must support the Government's plan to invade and Americanize every other country on the planet; thereby making them apart of the U.S. and bringing 'Godzone' to the other side of the world. But it works both ways: the godless, liberal, communist Democrats are trying to impose 'Evilzone' on America, and turn into a Neo-Babylon Oligarchy, in which the Chinese-Freemasons maskerade as Republicans while supporting things such as abortion, stem cell research, same-sex institutions, imigration, women's rights, interspecies marriage, burka-barreling (not sure what that is), Geo-Feminism, and sex.
That's right: sex. They want to support sex. We all know sex is evil and should be never spoken about in real life. That's why we have TV and the internet. We also know from post-apocalyptic movies that mutants go after fertile women to rape them and make more mutant babies. If this isn't an indication of sex evilness then I don't know what is. It's why I support the Sex Kills Bill, in which I hope will pass and force people to put spikes on those parts required for sex to discourage it. It's also why I support the right to bear arms, so that I can defend our fertile women from mutants. Sex isn't required and is unGodly...unless it's used to make more men, which is why God made woman anyway.
I read my Bible.
Which brings me to another point: Zombies. I'm against zombie-racism or anti-zombism. Zombies are not like the liberal, fertile women raping mutants. Zombies are staunch conservatives and supporters of the Republican Party and have been given a negative portrayal in the media. Zombies are often seen as 'evil' and lumbering idiots. In truth, zombies are amoral, mindless animated corpses with a strong ethnic identity and sense of purpose (i.e., the eating of brains). If anything could be said against them, it's that they aren't Christians. If they were Christians, then they wouldn't be zombies in the first place. Christians don't become zombies, it's in the Beatitudes or Ten Commandments, I think. I'm not sure what religion zombies are, but I have a strong leaning toward Buddhism. They've seem to got that whole Nirvana thing down.
But this all doesn't change the fact that anti-zombism is rampant in this country - this world. When people learn there is a zombie in the neighborhood, you can bet it won't be long before people are boarding up their windows and doors and stocking up on ammo. Don't get me wrong, I'm not against guns or ammo. I'm against racism. I doubt we'll ever see a zombie in the White House, due to this country's disgusting bias. God created everything people; even zombies. I don't know why He created them, but who am I to doubt the work of God? I'm not an evolutionist, I don't make claims that monkeys and humans are the same so that I can have sex with them. That's the Chinese-Freemasons at work, trying to pass that interspecies marriage bill.
I consider myself openminded. I believe that women have the same rights as any other second-class citizen, and I believe that gay people really think they are people. I am a good person, and I let everyone know it. I've been known to walk into the middle of intersections and yell prayers at people. Believe me, there are people who need prayers. I can't tell you how many times I've had people cuss at me, shoot me the bird, try and hit me with their cars. These people need some Jesus. One time a lovely group of people (I think they were a family) gathered around me with their children and prayed with me. I later left when they started waving signs that said "God hates Fags" and "Fags go to Hell" and "God hates America". I disagree with a number of those signs and slogans. First of all God founded American, so I know He doesn't hate American. Jesus is an American, so if God hates American then He hates Himself. This is simple theology here, people. I'm no St. Thomas Aquinas, but I can get that much.
Secondly, I don't know if God hates cigarettes. Nor (if I'm interpreting their sign right) do I know if people who smoke them go to Hell. I can't say who goes to Hell, and it is not my place to do so. I simply strongly reinforce such ideas. I think these people were sent by the Freemasons to discredit me.
Whatever happen to the 40s and 50s, when men were men, women were women, gay people didn't exist, father knew best, and children knew the best way to make a martini? Whatever happen to the America that exists some couple decades before I was born? Whatever happened to prayer in schools? I mean, real prayer - Christian prayer, not that other stuff. I know George Washington understood about prayer. I mean, when he was praying in to woods and Jesus appeared to him and gave him those Golden Tablets which held the instructions on building the great nation of the U.S., he understood that prayer was important. And later, when he was chopping down that cherry tree on Abraham Lincoln's property and got caught and lied to say he was using it to build the West Wing of the White House, and Jesus appeared to him to tell him he was wrong, and Washington fell to his knees in prayer - he knew the importance of prayer.
Damn greasy liberals. Caligula was a liberal, and look what happen to Rome! Fell into a pit of debauchery and sin. Caligula was in love with his sister! And his horse! And his sister's horse! Then they got that floating little fairy Nero, who just lost it all. See what the liberals do? You end up with people like Caligula, Nero, Lyndon B. Johnson, Paul McCartney, and Ghandi. Don't get me wrong, Ghandi had some great ideas, but he was a hippie liberal. And a Hindu. And as we know, that makes not Christian, so that invalidates his ideas. Plus he's in the 'Evilzone', so that just furthers this whole ordeal.
The point is, the world wouldn't have half its problems if it wasn't for timezones.
(I make no apology for the above stupidity. Unless I offended someone, then I apologize that they don't have a sense of humour.)
A Sesame Street Interview Gone Awry
Elmo hangs out with Ricky Gervais (Extras)...and things head into the Redlight District of Sesame Street. "N - do you know what Necrophilia is?"
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