The Pavoori Iurisdicerate and Iohannes Vazeille

The Pavoori Iurisdicerate was an independent ecclesiastic body of the First Amalgamated Church that dealt with the "Low Matters" of the Church. The Low Matters were a result of remnants of the Italo-Roman Presbylutheranism that survived the many reforms and mergers that grew into the FAC. As the continuing followers of a Creed, they were early targets of persecution until Iohannes Vazeille, the son of an Presbylutheran minister and FAC missionary, convinced the Rabbi-Pape he could quietly deal with the orthodox-ers.

He traveled Pavoori at once, and found the Presbylutherans hiding in the cold marshes. Moments after he announced himself, he was tried and sentenced to death by burning. Tied to the stake, he watched the matter with such general disinterest the Presbylutherans began to question him. Iohannes explained that, because of his conversion to the FAC and subsequent faithfulness, he feared nothing of death. Either God/Goddess/gods would welcome him into the afterlife, or he would simply fall into oblivion because there was no afterlife. He explained "the great and rich Church has a place for all thoughts and beliefs or none at all. Whatever is the desire of the believer, not the deity/ies."

Intrigued, the Presbylutherans withheld his sentence of death and let him preach from the stake, and Iohannes evangelized to the people for three straight days. He later attributed his zeal and stamina to, not a deity or providence, but the large quantities of speed and uppers he consumed before beginning his journey. By the end of the three days he had converted 5 of 250,000 people, the rest simply being so confused by the missionary's preaching they agreed to release him. Iohannes was not allowed to leave, but instead live amongst the Presbylutherans and continue to preach. He converted few more during his next 20 years, but succeeded in convincing them to let him return to qR and petition the Rabbi-Pape for a unique ecclesial body that would permit the Presbylutherans to join the FAC and end their persecution, but retain their unique beliefs.

Iohann left Pavoori for qR, and after many long-winded conversations with the Rabbi-Pape, succeeded in creating the Pavoori Iurisdicerate with Iohannes Vazeille as the Sui Lord. The Pavoori Iurisdicerate had no authority or influence outside its own territory, and the Druishian Priesthood Board demanded that they adhere to the "Belief is All", "Belief is None" and "No Creed Enforcement" laws. Iohannes agreed and returned to Pavoori, establishing the Iurisdicerate without any further trouble. He eventually constructed "The Last Cathedral", an massive worship center inspired by the high art of Presbylutheranism and acted as the Sui Lord's seat of power.

For the next 50 years the Pavoori Iurisdicerate flourished, albeit somewhat confined, with Vazeille as its head. At 78 years old, the Sui Lord was called upon by the Atheist, Agnostic, and Non-Religious Sector of the FAC to reform the Religious Adherent Sector after Age of Discord, an era in which the hierarchs of the FAC were greatly influenced by Discordian and Eristic philosophies and nearly lead to the annihilation of the Church as a whole. Iohannes left Pavoori in the charge of Presbylutheran Superintendent Augsburg Stanley, and traveled to qR to meet with the 0.1 System Administrator of the AANRS and the acting-Archierarch of the RAS to address the issues effecting the FAC.

With no Rabbi-Pape at the time and the Red Elders currently away electing the next successor, Iohannes was forced to address the issues at the basic levels, namely the Monaseminaries, Ward-Stakes, and Dioparchies. The 0.1 System Administrator and Iohannes manipulated the Druishian Inquisitive Committee by convincing them that the Discordian philosophy was in face a Creed being enforced, and a Mental Crusade was needed to cleanse the FAC. The result was a loss of the Archierarchs of the FAC and subsequent loss of leadership, leaving the acting-Archierarch in complete control of the FAC.

Iohannes then began enacting the reforms he had written up, pushing them through the hierarchs and bringing order back to the RAS. The reforms had a very Pavoorist slant to them, and thus many Presbylutheran ideas began to influence much of the theological and philosophical thought of the FAC. Sunni-Christianism became a popular trend in Monaseminaries (which later led to the rise of Elphias Temportus Repotus II as Guru-Imam) and led to a predominant call for Pavoorist ministers. Presbylutheran high art was adapted to the architecture of qR, and the Rabbi-Pape's Chapel in the Grand Basilimosqple reflects this influence.

Eventually, the Red Elders offered Iohannes the Rabbi-Papery, but he refused it for a wish to return to Pavoori. The Red Elders decided to elect Aleister Baronious Levironic XX (the predecessor of the current Rabbi-Pape), a sympathetic hierarch to the "Pavoori Reforms" and compromise candidate. Iohannes submitted to the new Rabbi-Pape and returned to Pavoori, where he continues to live till this day. Sui Lord Iohannes Vazeille recently celebrated his 112th birthday by having Superintendent Augsburg killed when it became clear he was behind the recent assassination attempt on the Sui Lord's life.

When A Mind Has No Filter...

Note: This has been edited from a far more controversial and, frankly, offensive note. Because humour is humour, but some humour gets you killed. Like anything about the Muslims.

You what's a neato name? Enoch. But of course, like anything one minute you find yourself quoting the Bible, then suddenly you find yourself sucking down Darjeeling with Marie Antoinette and her little sister...

But I digress.

The point is, women are just second-class citizens. It's not their fault. They are just massive roller coasters of emotion! What with their periods and pregnancy and children...

Clearly, it makes them ineligible to work along side or even above men in government...or life in general

But what really gets me is these men who become women. I mean, that's Dr. Frankenstein right there. I don't know how they do it - I think they use silly putty - but it just wrong.

However, we should be sensitive to those who find themselves...I don't know...confused.

Like gays. Poor disillusioned people. Maybe one day they'll get better, I don't know.

Take my best friend Kenneth, and his roommate Jeff. Good friends, working as partners to find the right women to spend the rest of their lives with.

Been looking for the past five years together...

I don't actually recall any girlfriends of theirs...

But they are very picky.

But the point is, you don't see them going off and getting their Mr. Doodles cut off. Because they know what it means to be a man.

But let's reflect on the theological implications.

1. God is a man.
2. Jesus, who is God, is a man.
3. The Holy Spirit is a man, since Jesus was a man and Jesus is God, and God is also the Holy Spirit.
4. Therefore, God is a man.

So therefore women are less or second-class.

I'm no St. Thomas Aquinas, but this pretty clear theology.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not anti-women.

I love women.

Some of my best friends are women.

My wife, for instance, is a woman.

Or rather, my wife would be a woman if I had one.

But that's beside the point.

The point is, feminism is bad because it gives women ideas. It insists that women be educated. How can any man dominate his household if a women thinks?

First rule of any form of control: Keep women ignorant.

They can't tell you what you are doing wrong if they don't know what you are doing. Or anything for that matter.

So therefore, my dear friends, we find at the end of this epic saga a concise and clear reason why random Bible reading is dangerous.

A Concise History of the Remnant Universe - Part 1

In September 2009, two young men discovered something that changed the world as we know it. The first thing they discovered is that Russian stereotypes tend to be misleading. The second thing was that not all Germans are Nazis.

With the discovery of these things, the world began to make a little less sense for humanity. Relying on these preconceptions, humanity had created the universe as we know. With these truths revealed, the universe imploded.

But of course, with there being so much crap in the universe everything didn't implode properly and instead sorta meshed all together in a giant blob of matter. All the planets crashed together, allowing Al Gore to terraform the moon and proclaim himself emperor. The moon became a haven for environmentalists. The implosion of the universe caused Mars to fracture and reveal the ancient ruins and technology that Secretary of State Hillary Clinton used to overthrow the President and declare herself Agitated Dictator of America.

Though the planets all were crammed together they aligned enough to open the Negative Zone, which allowed the dinosaurs return after being banished there after the meteor hit Earth.

Which meant that the Catholic Church elected its first T-Rex Pope, and the New Russian Empire to grant its KGB Inquisitors raptor steeds. Agitated Dictator Clinton then used the newly discovered Martian technology to conquer China, which began the Inter-Dimensional World War with the New Russian Empire and the Empire of the Moon.

Pope Triassic I made pleas for peace while simultaneously moving the Vatican to the remnants of Mexico City, establishing the Mexicano Papacy for the next thirty decades. However, Pope Triassic I's calls for peace were overshadowed by the Catholic-Orthodox Wars, started by the Pope himself when, during an Ecumenical Summit at Assisi, Triassic I ate the Ecumenical Patriarch of Constantinople.

With the loss of one of the key pillars of the Christian Faith, a second implosion of the henceforth named "Remnant Universe" occurred, opening that nonlinear temporal phenomenon known as the Nexus. The opening of the Nexus precipitated two main events; the return of Captain James Tiberius Kirk and the emergence of the Crab-People of Neptune into Remnant history. The Nexus awakened the dormant Crab-People (also called the "Mi-Go") from their catacombs under the icy surface of Neptune after long centuries of slumber, who then rode a passing comet toward the Earth.

The comet hit the moon and split it into two parts; the larger one eventually becoming the Empire of Luna; and the smaller the Empire of Diana. Capt. Kirk was at this time chosen Ambassador of the Agitated Oligarchy of America, and on the Moon when the Crab-People's comet hit. A survivor, he was soon after chosen as the first meal of the Crab-People.

And thusly, sharks at this time grew legs and developed technology that allowed them to walk on land. Soon, a great white shark is chosen as the new Ecumenical Patriarch of Constantinople, and with the balance restored to Christianity, the Nexus is sealed.

Soon after, Pope Triassic I dies after choking on the corpse of Kanye West, and a reincarnated John Calvin is elected pope by the College of Cardinals.

He is subsequently tried for heresy and burned at the stake.

With no pope to govern the Church, the Nexus reopens and destabilizes the Remnant Universe, and Capt. Kirk is once again brought to life. Chosen again as ambassador, he is sent to negotiate with a group of Neanderthals masquerading as pirates who appeared from the Nexus. He is killed during the talks and his skull is used as a codpiece by the Neanderthal pirate captain.

With the Nexus causing havoc all over the Remnant Universe, the governments soon begin to take notice as to what has happened to many other world powers and religions. The Zoroastrians, for instance, have been assumed into what they think is Heaven, but is really a Scientology holding cell orbiting the Remnant Earth and process thetan energy into atomic weapons. The Muslims busy themselves by killing all the Mohammads that pop out of the Nexus. Great Britain has fallen to the Saxons, and subsequently the Anglican Church ceases to exist. The Episcopalians of America take over and reform the church into a Judeo-Wiccan Coven, which makes the island of Lesbos their See and elects Rosie O'Donnell as their Archbishop. Eventually, the Judeo-Wiccans all die out because all the women become Lesbians and they have never master IVF.

With the Nexus still open, Capt. Kirk keeps returning to life, only to be killed again and again in more and more tragic and bizarre circumstances. In an attempt to restore order to the universe and prevent the continuing death of Capt. Kirk, the Cardinals convene a conclave in Mexico City, where a cloned wooly mammoth is elected pope (named Pliocene I) and permits the Nexus to be sealed again.

Meanwhile, because the Ecumenical Patriarch of Constantinople is a walking great white shark, no one can understand him (something which is not a problem for the Catholic Mammoth Pope, who knows sign language). Thus the Moscow Patriarchate kills him and the Nexus opens again. But because the Nexus is open so many times the Remnant Universe fractures again and causes Agitated Dictator Clinton to lose power. The New Russian Empire Tsar seizes the opportunity to overthrow the Dictator and become the dominate world power. In time, advances in the cloning method allow Russia to clone Josef Stalin, but the new Tsar only succeeds in killing the entire population in Russia with his weather device.

A paradox emerges and a Jewish Capt. Kirk appears, who believes himself to be Moses and leads the Jewish people to Israel, taking over the Holy Land. Leonard Nimoy appears and - actually being a Jew - outs Capt. Kirk as not a non-Jew, which allows him to seize control of the Holy Land and become King of Jerusalem. Capt. Kirk flees to Mexico City, where his head is crushed by Pope Pliocene I who accidentally sits on him.

Capt. Kirk's death is short-lived as he appears once again out of the Nexus and is elected Ecumenical Patriarch of Constantinople. The Nexus is sealed again, but soon King Nimoy uses his political pull with the New Russian Empire to have Capt. Kirk killed, setting in his place William Shatner. However, because Shatner was not canonically elected the Nexus opens again.

Thus Pope Pliocene I calls a crusade...

Lesbionic Agenda Against Marriage

I've been reflecting on marriage since the announcement of two of my close friends engagement...hmmm, yeah you get that. And don't worry, they are both God-fearing Christian-Republicans. Presbyterian to be precise, so they've got that whole Calvinism Predestination thing for them; which means that because of this we know for sure this engagement and marriage is supposed to happen. But I digress (whatever that means), and wish to talk about the sacred bondage that is marriage. Now, when people hear the word bondage they often get a whole BDSM image in their heads. Combine that with the word sacred and there is no telling what will pop into your head. I mean seriously, our minds have some weird thoughts.

But anyway, marriage.

Christian Marriage is a holy partnership instituted by Jesus. It is the only real kind of marriage. Jewish Marriage actually has some merit, since St. Joseph was Jewish and the Virgin Mary - while a Christian - entered into a Jewish Marriage with him. Meanwhile Jesus was born in Bethlehem, England and raised a Christian by the Virgin Mary. During his life he learned the Torah and all that stuff, and developed the institution we now call Marriage.

Marriage is when a woman is enslaved to a man (or 'bonded') for the rest of her life. Now women, being cunning and deceptive creatures, can occasionally cause men great periods of stress and grief while constantly trying to usurp his God-given authority as head of the family. Therefore, God created pregnancy. Pregnancy was created to keep women busy; distracting them with life growing inside them and the subsequent children as a result. This keeps women complacent and busy with the role of motherhood, while men are free to continue as heads of their household. This has been the make-up of marriage for thousands of years since the birth of Jesus.

However, that sacred bondage is now under attack from Radical Leftist Feminist Lesbians and queerosexuals. This group of people has threatened the very sanctity of marriage with alternative lifestyles and partnerships. The Lesbians and the queerosexual concept of marriage is degenerative, because who is bonded to who? Who is the head of the family? Which on gets pregnant (gay guys can get pregnant, right?) and assumes the bondage role?

We can, of course, blame Anglicans for this problem. Anglicans have always had a screwy view of marriage - look at the guy who founded their church: Henry VIII. The man had six wives and four mistresses over the course of his life. While admirable, this clearly contradicts Jesus' Christian Marriage. We can blame several men for the breakdown of Marriage in Western Society - all of them Anglicans. Thomas Cranmer, the first Protestant Archbishop of Canterbury, was the catalyst for all this. He broke his priestly vow of celibacy and married, and was later killed for it by Queen Mary I (or something along those lines). The next three men were Sir Winston Churchill, a committed Freemason, and his appointments to the Archbishop of Canterbury; William Temple and later Geoffrey Fisher. Both of this so called Christian leaders were Freemasons and liberal Englishmen with ties to the Chinese. Churchill was invested as the Church of England's so-called 'Shadow Pope' and pulled the strings at the Lambeth Conferences into to pave the way for homosexualist marriage. This was attempted to distract people from the War, but his plans came to fruition fifty years too late.

During those fifty years, homosexualist lesbians infiltrated the upper echelons of the Church of England in order to plant powerful lesbians as bishopresses. Barbara Harris became the first bishopress and 'Shadow Popess' of the C of E. Using a concentrated dose of rubella, Bishopress Harris killed the reigning Shadow Pope and installed herself as the shadowy ruler of the Anglicans. This powerful cartel of lesbians then began to rewrite the bylaws of Anglican Christian Marriage and pave the way for homosexualist marriage.

You see, Freemasons and queerosexuals are to blame for the crisis affecting the Christian world. Anglicans, too, have been the unwitting pawns in their games of sexual deviancy. I really can't remember the point of all this - I think my negative bias toward Anglicans is showing. The point of this is as such: Grammar is not important when trying to unveil evil plots against Jesus. In the battle against the Lesbian Bishopress Cartel, who really is going to correct their grammar? Certainly not your wives, because they will have all been recruited by the queerosexuals by enticing worlds such as 'equal rights', 'women power', and things like Black & Decker sex tools.

Timezones, Sex, Zombies, and Ghandi

I cannot get the timezone right on this blog! It annoys me so much I shall write about it on the blog itself!

...I've never been good figuring out timezones. I think there are stupid and the time should be the same everywhere. No wait, I'm wrong. There should be two timezones: one for the God-fearing, red-blooded, conservative Republican Americans and one for the godless, liberal, communist Democrats.

Freemasons too.

And the Chinese.

Muslims don't believe in time, so I don't have to worry about them.

But the real Christian days (That is, the days God pays attention to) start when the sun first touches the soil of the good old United States of America. This timezone will be called 'Jesus Time' or 'Godzone' from now on. The godless heathen days don't count, so therefore that timezone shall be referred to as 'Bad Time' or 'Evilzone'.

To save people from this horrible timezone filled with debauchery, Americans must support the Government's plan to invade and Americanize every other country on the planet; thereby making them apart of the U.S. and bringing 'Godzone' to the other side of the world. But it works both ways: the godless, liberal, communist Democrats are trying to impose 'Evilzone' on America, and turn into a Neo-Babylon Oligarchy, in which the Chinese-Freemasons maskerade as Republicans while supporting things such as abortion, stem cell research, same-sex institutions, imigration, women's rights, interspecies marriage, burka-barreling (not sure what that is), Geo-Feminism, and sex.

That's right: sex. They want to support sex. We all know sex is evil and should be never spoken about in real life. That's why we have TV and the internet. We also know from post-apocalyptic movies that mutants go after fertile women to rape them and make more mutant babies. If this isn't an indication of sex evilness then I don't know what is. It's why I support the Sex Kills Bill, in which I hope will pass and force people to put spikes on those parts required for sex to discourage it. It's also why I support the right to bear arms, so that I can defend our fertile women from mutants. Sex isn't required and is unGodly...unless it's used to make more men, which is why God made woman anyway.

I read my Bible.

Which brings me to another point: Zombies. I'm against zombie-racism or anti-zombism. Zombies are not like the liberal, fertile women raping mutants. Zombies are staunch conservatives and supporters of the Republican Party and have been given a negative portrayal in the media. Zombies are often seen as 'evil' and lumbering idiots. In truth, zombies are amoral, mindless animated corpses with a strong ethnic identity and sense of purpose (i.e., the eating of brains). If anything could be said against them, it's that they aren't Christians. If they were Christians, then they wouldn't be zombies in the first place. Christians don't become zombies, it's in the Beatitudes or Ten Commandments, I think. I'm not sure what religion zombies are, but I have a strong leaning toward Buddhism. They've seem to got that whole Nirvana thing down.

But this all doesn't change the fact that anti-zombism is rampant in this country - this world. When people learn there is a zombie in the neighborhood, you can bet it won't be long before people are boarding up their windows and doors and stocking up on ammo. Don't get me wrong, I'm not against guns or ammo. I'm against racism. I doubt we'll ever see a zombie in the White House, due to this country's disgusting bias. God created everything people; even zombies. I don't know why He created them, but who am I to doubt the work of God? I'm not an evolutionist, I don't make claims that monkeys and humans are the same so that I can have sex with them. That's the Chinese-Freemasons at work, trying to pass that interspecies marriage bill.

I consider myself openminded. I believe that women have the same rights as any other second-class citizen, and I believe that gay people really think they are people. I am a good person, and I let everyone know it. I've been known to walk into the middle of intersections and yell prayers at people. Believe me, there are people who need prayers. I can't tell you how many times I've had people cuss at me, shoot me the bird, try and hit me with their cars. These people need some Jesus. One time a lovely group of people (I think they were a family) gathered around me with their children and prayed with me. I later left when they started waving signs that said "God hates Fags" and "Fags go to Hell" and "God hates America". I disagree with a number of those signs and slogans. First of all God founded American, so I know He doesn't hate American. Jesus is an American, so if God hates American then He hates Himself. This is simple theology here, people. I'm no St. Thomas Aquinas, but I can get that much.

Secondly, I don't know if God hates cigarettes. Nor (if I'm interpreting their sign right) do I know if people who smoke them go to Hell. I can't say who goes to Hell, and it is not my place to do so. I simply strongly reinforce such ideas. I think these people were sent by the Freemasons to discredit me.

Whatever happen to the 40s and 50s, when men were men, women were women, gay people didn't exist, father knew best, and children knew the best way to make a martini? Whatever happen to the America that exists some couple decades before I was born? Whatever happened to prayer in schools? I mean, real prayer - Christian prayer, not that other stuff. I know George Washington understood about prayer. I mean, when he was praying in to woods and Jesus appeared to him and gave him those Golden Tablets which held the instructions on building the great nation of the U.S., he understood that prayer was important. And later, when he was chopping down that cherry tree on Abraham Lincoln's property and got caught and lied to say he was using it to build the West Wing of the White House, and Jesus appeared to him to tell him he was wrong, and Washington fell to his knees in prayer - he knew the importance of prayer.

Damn greasy liberals. Caligula was a liberal, and look what happen to Rome! Fell into a pit of debauchery and sin. Caligula was in love with his sister! And his horse! And his sister's horse! Then they got that floating little fairy Nero, who just lost it all. See what the liberals do? You end up with people like Caligula, Nero, Lyndon B. Johnson, Paul McCartney, and Ghandi. Don't get me wrong, Ghandi had some great ideas, but he was a hippie liberal. And a Hindu. And as we know, that makes not Christian, so that invalidates his ideas. Plus he's in the 'Evilzone', so that just furthers this whole ordeal.

The point is, the world wouldn't have half its problems if it wasn't for timezones.

(I make no apology for the above stupidity. Unless I offended someone, then I apologize that they don't have a sense of humour.)

A Sesame Street Interview Gone Awry

Elmo hangs out with Ricky Gervais (Extras)...and things head into the Redlight District of Sesame Street. "N - do you know what Necrophilia is?"