A Concise History of the Remnant Universe - Part 1

In September 2009, two young men discovered something that changed the world as we know it. The first thing they discovered is that Russian stereotypes tend to be misleading. The second thing was that not all Germans are Nazis.

With the discovery of these things, the world began to make a little less sense for humanity. Relying on these preconceptions, humanity had created the universe as we know. With these truths revealed, the universe imploded.

But of course, with there being so much crap in the universe everything didn't implode properly and instead sorta meshed all together in a giant blob of matter. All the planets crashed together, allowing Al Gore to terraform the moon and proclaim himself emperor. The moon became a haven for environmentalists. The implosion of the universe caused Mars to fracture and reveal the ancient ruins and technology that Secretary of State Hillary Clinton used to overthrow the President and declare herself Agitated Dictator of America.

Though the planets all were crammed together they aligned enough to open the Negative Zone, which allowed the dinosaurs return after being banished there after the meteor hit Earth.

Which meant that the Catholic Church elected its first T-Rex Pope, and the New Russian Empire to grant its KGB Inquisitors raptor steeds. Agitated Dictator Clinton then used the newly discovered Martian technology to conquer China, which began the Inter-Dimensional World War with the New Russian Empire and the Empire of the Moon.

Pope Triassic I made pleas for peace while simultaneously moving the Vatican to the remnants of Mexico City, establishing the Mexicano Papacy for the next thirty decades. However, Pope Triassic I's calls for peace were overshadowed by the Catholic-Orthodox Wars, started by the Pope himself when, during an Ecumenical Summit at Assisi, Triassic I ate the Ecumenical Patriarch of Constantinople.

With the loss of one of the key pillars of the Christian Faith, a second implosion of the henceforth named "Remnant Universe" occurred, opening that nonlinear temporal phenomenon known as the Nexus. The opening of the Nexus precipitated two main events; the return of Captain James Tiberius Kirk and the emergence of the Crab-People of Neptune into Remnant history. The Nexus awakened the dormant Crab-People (also called the "Mi-Go") from their catacombs under the icy surface of Neptune after long centuries of slumber, who then rode a passing comet toward the Earth.

The comet hit the moon and split it into two parts; the larger one eventually becoming the Empire of Luna; and the smaller the Empire of Diana. Capt. Kirk was at this time chosen Ambassador of the Agitated Oligarchy of America, and on the Moon when the Crab-People's comet hit. A survivor, he was soon after chosen as the first meal of the Crab-People.

And thusly, sharks at this time grew legs and developed technology that allowed them to walk on land. Soon, a great white shark is chosen as the new Ecumenical Patriarch of Constantinople, and with the balance restored to Christianity, the Nexus is sealed.

Soon after, Pope Triassic I dies after choking on the corpse of Kanye West, and a reincarnated John Calvin is elected pope by the College of Cardinals.

He is subsequently tried for heresy and burned at the stake.

With no pope to govern the Church, the Nexus reopens and destabilizes the Remnant Universe, and Capt. Kirk is once again brought to life. Chosen again as ambassador, he is sent to negotiate with a group of Neanderthals masquerading as pirates who appeared from the Nexus. He is killed during the talks and his skull is used as a codpiece by the Neanderthal pirate captain.

With the Nexus causing havoc all over the Remnant Universe, the governments soon begin to take notice as to what has happened to many other world powers and religions. The Zoroastrians, for instance, have been assumed into what they think is Heaven, but is really a Scientology holding cell orbiting the Remnant Earth and process thetan energy into atomic weapons. The Muslims busy themselves by killing all the Mohammads that pop out of the Nexus. Great Britain has fallen to the Saxons, and subsequently the Anglican Church ceases to exist. The Episcopalians of America take over and reform the church into a Judeo-Wiccan Coven, which makes the island of Lesbos their See and elects Rosie O'Donnell as their Archbishop. Eventually, the Judeo-Wiccans all die out because all the women become Lesbians and they have never master IVF.

With the Nexus still open, Capt. Kirk keeps returning to life, only to be killed again and again in more and more tragic and bizarre circumstances. In an attempt to restore order to the universe and prevent the continuing death of Capt. Kirk, the Cardinals convene a conclave in Mexico City, where a cloned wooly mammoth is elected pope (named Pliocene I) and permits the Nexus to be sealed again.

Meanwhile, because the Ecumenical Patriarch of Constantinople is a walking great white shark, no one can understand him (something which is not a problem for the Catholic Mammoth Pope, who knows sign language). Thus the Moscow Patriarchate kills him and the Nexus opens again. But because the Nexus is open so many times the Remnant Universe fractures again and causes Agitated Dictator Clinton to lose power. The New Russian Empire Tsar seizes the opportunity to overthrow the Dictator and become the dominate world power. In time, advances in the cloning method allow Russia to clone Josef Stalin, but the new Tsar only succeeds in killing the entire population in Russia with his weather device.

A paradox emerges and a Jewish Capt. Kirk appears, who believes himself to be Moses and leads the Jewish people to Israel, taking over the Holy Land. Leonard Nimoy appears and - actually being a Jew - outs Capt. Kirk as not a non-Jew, which allows him to seize control of the Holy Land and become King of Jerusalem. Capt. Kirk flees to Mexico City, where his head is crushed by Pope Pliocene I who accidentally sits on him.

Capt. Kirk's death is short-lived as he appears once again out of the Nexus and is elected Ecumenical Patriarch of Constantinople. The Nexus is sealed again, but soon King Nimoy uses his political pull with the New Russian Empire to have Capt. Kirk killed, setting in his place William Shatner. However, because Shatner was not canonically elected the Nexus opens again.

Thus Pope Pliocene I calls a crusade...