The First Amalgamated Church

The First Amalgamated Church (FAC) was established by no divine authority on no one in particular. The Biblical basis for this Church is never to be found, nor is it ever to be found in any other religious text.

In truth, the FAC’s origin can be traced to June 6, 2066 AD. It came out of the merger of the Islam-Christian Report, in which Italo-Roman Presbylutheranism and Caribbean Sunnism merged with the Judeo-Panglican Church. The newly democratically elected Rabbi-Father Changstein el-Gammal reformed the Church into the Pre-Amalgamated Society (PAS) through his thesis “Saturdays with Eddie: A Journey in Radical Ecumenical Syncretism”.

Approximately 17 hours later, the PAS experienced its first splinter, reconciliation, second splinter and an event known as the Subdued Re-Formation (which incidentally was brought about over a theological dispute over the purported existence of an Aryan Jesus and a Latvian Buddha). The PAS continued for three days consisting of 14 members under the leadership of Rabbi-Father el -Gammal before a third split occurred, result in the Eighth-Day Epithets (EDE). The EDE lasted a total of three minutes before being assimilated back into the PAS, which consequently conducted a Mental Crusade against the second group, which had come to call itself the Syncretic Social Order of the Society of the Blue Word (SSOSBW). The exact theological beliefs of this movement is unknown, as Rabbi-Father el-Gammal quickly dealt with the SSOSBW by mental recognition (whatever that means).

Rabbi-Father el-Gammal rewrote his thesis a total of 95 times before reverting to his original draft but with the inclusion of not only all theological beliefs, but atheistic and agnostic beliefs as well. The result was reformation of the Pre-Amalgamated Society into the First Amalgamated Church.

The first Amalgamated Gathering was called by Rabbi-Pape Hadrian VII (later Bodhisattva Saint Lama Adrian I), in which the first draft of the “Syncretic Essay of 2066 AD” was drawn up, eventually becoming the “Highly Revered and Partially Sacred Scrapbook of Collected Thoughts” (also called the “Great Big Book of Everything”).

The First Amalgamated Church holds true to the existence (or not) of One or Many Gods (perhaps fewer or none at all), and liberally celebrates (or doesn’t, your choice) the worship of the Deity (or Deities) in whatever way you think (or don’t, no judging) They or He (or She or nothing at all) require (or not) you to worship. There is no doctrine, dogma, or creed put forth by the FAC; just assorted opinions and theories.

There is no such thing as a heretical belief or movement within the FAC, every belief is encouraged and nurtured and eventually integrated into the Religious Adherent Sector (RAS) of the FAC (as opposed to the Atheist, Agnostic, and Non-Religious Adherent Sector (AANRS) of the FAC, which integrates no religious belief but only those of science and fact). Despite the fact that all beliefs are considered equally valid, confrontation is common in the FAC, as to what qualifies as a valid belief within the FAC is put under extreme scrutiny. Any group that seeks to impose a concrete doctrine or creed is dealt with by the Druishian Inquisitive Committee(DIC), who often conduct Mental Crusades to keep the peace in FAC controlled territories.

Time-travel was discovered in 2331 A.D. by FAC scientists in their efforts to travel back to the Garden of Eden and prevent the Fall of Man. The hierarchs realized that this move would remove all power from the FAC, and attempted to destroy all research but succeeded in simply ripping open a tear in the fabric of Space-Time. The FAC then monopolized this 'success of science' and constructed portals in which they could go back in time and evangelize to the past, establishing Amalgamation long before its actual inception in 2066 A.D. Because of this meddling, several branches in the Space-Time continuum were born, creating a pan-dimensional religious empire for the FAC. Several controversies have come about due to this; such as Dinosaur and Cro-Magnon clergy, and time-cloning, in which a past-self of a person is brought into the present from a pocket dimension. In truth, no one is quite sure the moral or scientific workings of such technology.

No one really cares.

The Supreme Jurisdictional Primate and Authoritative Consular, Praetorian Magistrate of the Time Branches, and Rabbi-Pape has full authority over all linear, nonlinear, cyclical, and time dilated Branches of the FAC. He delegates authority to Archierarchs who preside in those time lines; such as the Guru-Imam of the Cyclical Branches; the Mahasiddhas-Rabbi of the Nonlinear Branches; the Lama-Vicar of the Linear Branches; and the Ani-kutani-Guru-Pape of the Time-dilated Branches. A sort of collegiality is supposed to be practiced among the Archierarchs, but in reality the Rabbi-Pape more often than not takes a dictatorial approach to governance. It is not uncommon for a Rabbi-Pape to be assassinated when his approval rating falls below 23 percent.

Because of the Laws of Inclusiveness and Tolerance enforced by the Druishian Priesthood Board (DPB), there are several Order, Councils, Administration, Cults, Boards, and Committees associated with the FAC. Such prominent ones include the Red Elders of the Crimson Circle, a group of reclusive hierarchs who control the election of the Rabbi-Pape and reside in the Escher-like citadel in the Himalayan Mountains; the Druishian Priesthood Board, a powerful administration run by rabid clergymen/women in charge of upholding the Laws and suppressing orthodoxy through the Druishian Inquisitive Committee; the Rabbinical Suffrage, without approval from the Rabbi-Fathers nothing can be legally done; the Castrated Drones, a group of clergy who have been castrated themselves (or forcibly) to become the militant and liturgical assisstants of the FAC.

The FAC has successfully retconned and revised history to such a degree that the Congregation of the Order of the Sub-Curial District of Time Loops, Paradoxes, and Conundrums was formed by the initiative of Rabbi-Pape Bodhisattva Saint Lama Isaiah Francesco Asimoff IV to address issues created and instigated by misuses of time-travel and -warp technology. A successful pocket timeline was created by the Congregation priests to house an uncorrupted history for the FAC, and it is here where the Basilimosquagogue of St. Lama. Bod. Adrian I was constructed to house the Rabbi-Pape.

In coming posts, we shall talk more on selected portions of the FAC's history.